Moving On
by EnchantedbyTwilight
Summary: Edward Cullen had it all: a promising future, great friends and a loving girlfriend. One fateful night changed the direction his life would take, and he lost it all. What happens when memories are all you have left? Second place - judges and best break up for Lyrics to Life Contest


**Contest Entry for Lyrics to Life Contest**

**Beta/Pre-reader: Sunflower Fanfiction - a great tweaker and an even better friend. Thank you**

**You Tube Link: ** videos/search?q=moving+on+youtube+by+rascal+flatts&FORM=VIRE4#view=detail&mid=EFAAFE2078C495066798EFAAFE2078C495066798 – I'm Moving On, Rascal Flatts

**Disclaimer: I do not make any claim to any Twilight reference or to the beautiful song that was the inspiration. No copyright infringement intended. This story is from my own imagination. **

**Summary: Angst. Edward Cullen had it all: a promising future, great friends and a loving girlfriend. One fateful night changed the direction his life would take, and he lost it all. What happens when memories are all you have left? **

Moving On

"Well, it's been a hell of a ride," I whispered to myself as I glanced around my now empty apartment, each corner holding a memory, some good, others, not so much.

What I couldn't fit in the U-Haul was either sold or donated to the women's shelter. After the mess I'd made over the last few years, it was a repentance of sorts. It was the women in my life that I'd hurt most of all.

Hell, who am I kidding? I'd hurt everyone in my life and done my best to drive them all away. Some of them should have been left by the wayside years before. If I had made better choices, my life would not be the shambles that it was today.

As I was about to close the door on this chapter of my life, the sun caught something shiny on the floor. Curious, I walked over to the mysterious object, and my breath caught when I saw the platinum and diamond ring laying there.

"_Edward, you know I love you. I will ALWAYS love you, but I can't live like this anymore." The tears were flowing freely down her cheeks as she slipped my promise of forever off her __finger, set it on the end table __and walked out the door._

_I sank to my knees and stared at the door, willing her to come back to me. Didn't she understand that __nothing made sense without her? Didn't she understand that the others meant nothing? _

_I could give it all up for her._

_I would give it all up. _

_She'd see. _

Tears began to pool in my eyes, but I refused to let them fall. This was the bed I'd made, and one of the many reasons I felt I had to leave the only home I'd ever known.

After graduation from Forks High, most of my classmates seemed destined for greatness, well, everyone but me. I'd been a star student and athlete, garnering interest from Division I schools for my prowess on the field and from the Ivy League schools for the grades I'd received in the classroom.

But I gave it all up when I fell in love with two women: Bella Swan and cocaine.

Knowing Bella wouldn't be able to follow me across the country, I'd resigned myself to staying in Washington. The Huskies really needed a quarterback who could lead, and I was exactly what they were looking for. Their pre-med program was top-notch, so it was really the perfect place for me. Even if Bella hadn't gotten a scholarship offer, the commute was doable.

"_Oh, Edward, look!" she shouted excitedly as she ran up the steps to the front porch of my house. "I got it, Edward! Look! I got the scholarship. I can't believe it!" _

"_Of course you got the scholarship, baby." I picked her up, swinging her around. "You've really worked your pretty little ass off the last two years.__They'd be a fool to pass up the opportunity to have you grace the halls of their College of Nursing." Kissing her sweetly, I slid her down my body before whispering, "I can't wait to show you just how happy I am, but first, we need to tell my parents." _

"_Are you sure they are going to be okay with me staying in that apartment, Edward?" she asked, worry obvious in her tone._

"_Of course they will be okay with it," I spoke around my laughter at the absurdity of the question. "Bella, my parents love you. They won't have a problem at all, and I'm sure Charlie will be perfectly okay with it, too." _

_Bella rolled her eyes before giving me a little love pat on the arm and replying. "Edward, he'll have a heart attack if we don't lead with the fact that you are required to live in the athletic dorm," she replied, giggling. "If you aren't careful, Edward, Charlie is likely to have you reclassified as a woman when he rips your balls off." _

Shaking off the memory of the time before I boarded the train to crazy town, I glanced back down at the ring. Even at my lowest, I was smart enough to try to hold onto her, and she loved me enough to fight for me.

"_Bella, baby, I know I've fucked up, but I want to be a better man for you. I want to prove to you that I can be that man you fell in love with." I was on the floor, kneeling in front of her, wiping the tears from her cheeks. _

_Staring into her eyes, I whispered, "baby, marry me?" The words left my mouth before I could stop them. I didn't want to propose like this; she was hurt and angry, and I was flying high._

I couldn't even remember what I'd done that time, but I know the tears rolling down her beautiful cheeks weren't all happy tears. It wasn't even the first time I'd promised her I'd change for her**. **However,it was the day she agreed to be my wife.

The ring I slipped on her finger was beautiful and cost much more than an out-of-work, cokehead could afford. She didn't question how I'd paid for it, not that I would have told her the truth. She always believed what I told her anyway. If I told her I wasn't high, she'd believe me. If I told her I was out looking for a job, she bought it. If I told her I wasn't with a woman, she'd kiss my cheek and continue studying. At least, that's what my coke-fueled mind believed at the time. Turns out, she was much wiser than I ever gave her credit for.

"_Bella, you know I would never touch Kate. God knows what kinds of diseases she's carrying." I saw her wince, and I __realized exactly what she'd heard. _

"_FUCK!" I growled in frustration at myself. "That's not what I meant, baby," I tried to soothe her. "I love you. I only want YOU. I would never, ever betray you, Bella." I looked her in the eyes, willing her to believe my lie, knowing full well that__I betrayed her every time I walked out the door. _

In my mind back then, getting blown for a line or fucked for an eight-ball didn't count as betraying her. It was payment and insurance that they would come back with money next time. Sex was just sex; it wasn't love, and that's what Bella and I had-a never-ending love, or so I led myself to believe. I didn't think it was possible to push her too far**, **but oh,how wrong I was. I drove her away with my never-ending lies, cheating and using.

_I stumbled into the apartment as the sun was rising. Bella was sleeping on the couch, cuddled in the corner, her eyes puffy from the tears she'd obviously shed, yet again. _

_Tripping over the coffee table, I mumbled, "Fuck!" causing her to stir. I held my breath, hoping she wouldn't wake, but of course, she opened her beautiful brown eyes and looked up at me.__ Her__ eyes showed me only despair, not the happiness I had promised her. _

_I didn't want her to see me this fucked up. I'd promised her that I wouldn't use anymore and that I would stop hanging out with Ben and Emmett. I didn't even keep that promise __for __one fucking day._

I cringed at the memory.

Ben, Emmett and I had gone to high school together, and all of us had received football scholarships to different colleges. Ben blew his ACL the last game of our senior year, which ended his football career. Emmett got a full ride to the University of Georgia. He was excited by the prospect of playing against the elite football teams that composed the SEC. Keeping his grades up proved to be a challenge with the demands of the team, and he was the first one to begin using.

He started popping uppers to help him stay awake to study, and the uppers eventually turned to cocaine and crystal meth. He was a rising star and had sportscasters talking about his bright future. He even walked away with the prestigious Dick Butkus award for best linebacker as a freshman. The first failed drug test resulted in a one-year suspension with loss of eligibility and mandated counseling. The second, less than a month later, resulted in his release from the team. The team could have suspended him a second year, but why would they waste time on someone who wasn't even trying?

Both Ben and Emmett ended up in Seattle. Ben was attending UW with me, and Emmett was partying.

_My phone rang while I was studying for the genetics test that was coming faster than I was ready for it to come. "Hello," I said distractedly without looking at my phone. This class was kicking my ass, and with anatomy and both bio and organic chemistry on my schedule this semester, I was spending more time in the library than anywhere else. _

"_Ed, man, come out with Cheney and me tonight. The booze is flowing, and the women are hot!" Emmett was already three-sheets._

"_Dude, there is no way. I have four tests next week, Em. I have to study this weekend, and if I party tonight, I won't be worth a damn for the rest of the weekend," I said, resigned to my boring __Friday night._

"_Come on, Ed," he whined. "I can hook you up with some shit that will help you get over any hangover you may have. And something else to help you stay__up whenever you want help to get the knowledge you insist on seeking infused into that peanut-sized thing you call a brain." He laughed. _

That one night changed the trajectory of my life.

Instead of doing what I knew I should do, I let my nineteen-year-old self loose and went out. I remembered telling Bella and how thrilled she was that I was going to go out and have a little fun.

"_Edward, you work so hard. You deserve to spend a little time with your friends. Go. Have fun, and if you don't drink too much, maybe we can have a little more fun when you get home." She giggled. "Maybe I'll go out and get some wine, so I can be loose when you get back." _

Sex with Bella had always been great, but when Bella was drunk, she was up for just about anything, and I took full advantage of her horniness. I closed my eyes, trying to remember the feel of her body under me. I wanted to feel her soft skin again. I wanted, so much, to hear her whisper my name as she came when I was making love with her. I wanted to hear her scream and moan as I fucked her hard over the couch after a night out with friends.

That night had held so much promise. If I'd only realized the consequences would be a walk through hell.

_I got home to find Bella asleep on the couch, a bottle of wine next to her. I didn't realize it had gotten so late, and she'd obviously fell asleep waiting for me. I woke her by kissing her neck softly and whispering in her ear. I was worked up at the thought of __drunken __sex; only I was so high and numb, I couldn't come, and Bella had long since lost any buzz she may have had. _

"_Baby, I don't think I can keep going," she panted as I pounded into her with a frenzy. _

_I'd been chasing my orgasm for what seemed like hours, and it just wouldn't come. "Baby, I need to come. Please, baby, just a little while longer." I was begging__and never stopped pounding into her. _

_Pushing at me, she said softly, "Edward, it hurts, baby. Maybe I can just make you come with my mouth, or I could just use my hands,__but I can't keep going anymore." _

_Looking into her eyes, I knew she was uncomfortable and hurting,__so I pulled out and asked, "Baby, can I have your__ass? I'll be easy. I swear it." She had always loved anal sex when we were drunk. _

_She looked at me as if__I'd lost my mind. Yeah, she definitely wasn't drunk, and I'm sure my, um, stamina was a little more than off-putting at the moment. I'd never given her any reason to complain about our sex life. I always took my time with her and made sure I brought __her to orgasm at least once.  
_

"_Edward, there is no way I'm letting you in my ass tonight. I'm already not going to walk for a week, so I'd at least like __to be able to sit down." She was laughing at the idea. _

_Normally, I would have laughed with her, but I was irritated as fuck __and still fucking hard as steel, so I resigned myself to get off as quick as possible._

"Fuck, Bella. It's not like you don't enjoy it, too," I snapped. "Just fucking suck my cock then. I need to get off, and this is getting almost painful."

She looked shocked at my words and the harsh tone, but she took me in her mouth anyway.

Remembering the look on her face caused my chest to ache. We both loved to talk dirty, but I'd never been demanding and so downright disrespectful to her before. All I knew was I needed to come, and she needed to get busy. I should have realized just how much I'd hurt her in that moment, apologized and gone to sleep with her in my arms. I didn't, and looking back now, it wasn't surprising that the night ended so horribly.

Out of all the things I'd done, all the times I wronged her, lied to her, the pain I caused her that first night I used would forever be etched in my mind as one of the most horrific things I'd ever done.

_Lost in the moment, high and needing release, I __held her head as I fucked her mouth, concentrating on my cock, willing myself to come. I needed the relief so desperately that I didn't even notice Bella. At that moment, she could have been anyone. I didn't care; in my drug-induced state, I hissed, "Come on, bitch, take it all." _

_She pushed on my hips, hard, but I was relentless. I held her head harder and continued to pound into her face, hitting the back of her throat, repeatedly calling her bitch and whore. _

Trying desperately to shake the rest of the memory, I banged my head on the wall. I'm still not sure what brought me out the trance I seemed to be in, but I finally came to my senses, albeit too late.

_Looking down, I realized she was gagging, and tears __were flowing down her cheeks. _

_What had I done? _

_Oh, God, what had I done? _

_I stumbled away from her-_

"_Oh, baby, I'm so sorry," I cried out, rushing back to gather her in my arms. "I got carried away. I didn't realize…,"I stammered out, trying to pull her to me. _

"_STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!" she screamed, her arms flailing, trying to both push me away and hit me. _

_I jumped back, startled at the venom in her voice. "Bella, baby, please," I slurred._

_She slapped me across the face, and I stood there in shock, both at my behavior __and at the absolute hatred I saw in her eyes in that moment. _

"_I don't know what the fuck is wrong with you, Edward," she screamed through her tears. "But I NEVER deserved to be treated like that. I HATE you!"_

_Holding my cheek, I watched her run out the door, horrified at the thought that she was running from me. _

That was the first time she left.

I shook my head, trying to understand why I ever did another line after that night.

Bella did come home after two days. She told me that I had better stay the hell away from whatever I was on that night. I was honest, probably one of the last times I could make that claim, and told her about doing lines. She listened, and at the end of the day, she said that she would stay. She forgave me, but she also let me know forgetting would be hard for her after what I had done. She knew it wasn't who I was.

At the time, I was relieved that she'd agreed to give us another shot and just knew everything would go back to normal. I would never touch cocaine again.

_I'd lost both Saturday and Sunday to my hangover and misery at driving Bella away. _

_After Bella and I had a late dinner, I told her I was going to the library to study for my tests and not to wait up—it looked like an all-nighter. After four hours, I couldn't keep my eyes open anymore. The weekend was still weighing heavily on my mind, and the lack of sleep had taken its toll. Thinking about the weekend made me remember the little packet Em had given me. I didn't even think that long and hard about it. Bella would be asleep; she wasn't expecting me home, and there was no way in hell I'd ever try to have sex on coke again. I just needed to get through the week. I swore to myself that I would put it down for good as soon as these tests were behind me. _

The road to hell…

I walked over to the window and set the ring on the sill. There were no curtains, and the blinds were open since the electricity had been turned off. Looking out over the balcony, I could see the pool. The memories of the first intervention flooded over me.

"_Edward," she choked out through her tears. "I don't even know you anymore. The man I love isn't here, and he hasn't been for a long time. Please, please bring him back. I don't want to spend my life with whoever this man is. I want the man who had dreams and ambitions, the man who looked at me as if__I hung the moon. That's not you anymore, Edward, and I want YOU back."_

I remembered everyone that was there-and who wasn't. My entire family had been a part of it, along with Bella, her dad, Charlie, and a few friends. Emmett and Ben were conspicuously absent. I remembered telling them I was hesitant because the pre-med program was very structured, and it would put me a year behind. I also tried to convince them that I didn't have a problem.

They didn't buy either excuse.

After hours of me making excuses and denying I had a problem, and Bella and my family begging me to take this opportunity to get well, I had agreed to go to rehab. I stayed clean for less than a week after coming home that time.

Shaking off the memory of the first of many chances to make it right, I turned to make my way out the door. Before closing the door, I allowed myself one last moment and closed my eyes.

"_Edward, Bella's gone. She took a job in Florida," Charlie said, sternly. "You need to let her go, son. You've done enough damage to last a lifetime. Please just let her go and live." It was a plea for his daughter and a plea for his sanity._

He'd demanded I stay away from Bella more than once. He'd seen the marks I'd left on her in my cocaine-fueled rages. He'd wiped her tears when I was away, at rehab or just out on a bender. He'd come with her to bail me out of jail when I got busted for dealing. He almost went to jail when I gave her syphilis. For that, I sported a black eye for weeks. He had packed her up and moved her out when I relapsed after each stint in rehab, only to help her move back in when I committed to go again. He'd threaten me and hug me in the same moment; I was his son, but now he was telling me to let her go—for good.

_I didn't say a word. I nodded, turned and walked away, leaving behind the only true love I'd ever known. The one I'd thrown away for the love of a__drug that was no lady._

I allowed a tear to escape but quickly wiped it away. It was time.

Before I could get the deadbolt locked, Emmett and Ben rounded the corner. I shook my head, willing a strength I still wasn't sure I possessed. One look in their eyes told me they were amped, and I still wasn't sure I was strong enough to turn it down. This was the reason I couldn't stay. I had to leave and start over, start fresh. I would never stay clean if I stayed here.

"Hey, guys," I said as I started walking toward the car. I had to get out of there fast, or the last chance my parents were willing to give me would be gone.

"Hey, Ed." They both rushed out the words, a side effect of the blow. "We thought we'd come give you the proper send-off. Glad we got here when we did, or we would have missed you." Emmett stuck out his hand, revealing a folded paper packet.

My hand unconsciously reached out to take it, but as soon as I touched it, I saw her face: the look on her face when I practically raped her mouth, the disappointment when I relapsed after my third rehab, the pain I saw in her eyes every time I walked through the door after being gone for days.

Quickly, I jerked my hand back. "No thanks, man. I have to go. " The words were rushed, and I was practically running from them, from _her_. She was once so important to me that I gave up everything I really needed. I would not succumb to her charms again.

Emmett and Ben were calling after me, but I breathed deep and ignored them. Finally, I climbed into my car and drove away, not looking back.

I had closed one door of my life with all of my mistakes. Another door was in front of me, and I now had the strength to open it. It wasn't where I thought I'd ever find myself, but it was definitely a beginning.


End file.
